I TOOK THE STAIRS

Hello!

I have had the distinct pleasure of doing some deranged bits on music shows recently. A few weeks ago, I flipped pancakes in a bikini while Theory of a Deadman’s “Bad Girlfriend” blasted through the Empty Bottle to open for my friend’s band Billy Joel Jr. It was electric. I would love to host/open for/play a perverted record exec at your next music show. 

If you give me $20 I will come up with the freakiest character (let’s just say I have a box full of wigs and a lot of leftover silver paint) and host your EP release or whatever the hell you kids are trying to promote. You musicians are so crazy. Your shows are like five hours long, but I don’t even care. And can someone let me direct a music video in this church basement??? I have some ideas.

Manifesting hosting your music shows and directing your music videos in 2025. But right now… it’s leotard time.

A few months ago, Michael Serio sent me a video of a little girl named Melissa Ann Ledwon doing a tap routine and asked if I could learn the dance for his upcoming variety show. Michael has a long history of coming up with the dumbest bits you’ve ever heard of, so I not only agreed, but said I would make the costume (including a full leotard) from scratch, despite having not sewn since college.

The video is from a New York City public access show called Stairway To Stardom that ran from 1979 to the early 1990s. It was created and hosted by Frank Masi, a retired lounge singer who, of course, gave himself plenty of air time. The show invited dancers, magicians, monologists, and singers to perform their amateur acts. And I cannot emphasize enough how incredibly my shit these performances are. There’s this amazing cover of “Operator”, the original MY WIFE IS SO UGLY!! comedian, a stellar dance with insane graphics choices, and my personal favorite: the most incredible song about getting your hair done.

STS had a bit of a renaissance in the 2000s thanks to Mitch Friedman and Doug Miller who found Masi, made up some story about making a documentary about public access TV, and convinced him to give them the entire VHS catalog of the show for $100 and a dozen cannolis. Friedman and Miller digitized everything so you can watch the full episodes on YouTube.

Masi and his guests are charming, hilarious, but most importantly, they are delightfully delusional just like me. I think being delusional is one of my greatest strengths. I blame my mother and my perfect D cups for my unfettered confidence. I am constantly agreeing to tackle projects that are way beyond my skill set. Like, of course I’ll collage a 6 foot x 6 foot mansion backdrop. Of course I’ll pitch a window display for the West Town Chamber of Commerce. Of course I’ll sew a leotard from scratch. Nothing is hard and even if I start crying out of frustration, that’s just part of the process.

Leotard logistics

This winter, during the few weeks of insane cold in Chicago, I commandeered our dining room table and bumbled my way through sewing stretch fabric. I watched a lot of YouTube videos and texted Beth Nelsen (genius seamstress, great friend).

To make the base leotard, she recommended tracing a leotard I already own and just kinda slapping it together. If you zoom in close enough on the photos of the finished leotard, you will see that I did, in fact, just kinda slap it together.

If you want to learn how to sew, don’t take a class. I can confidently say that the best way to learn is to watch a thousand YouTube videos and delusionally pick a project to just kinda slap together. Before I attempted a leotard I tried to make a fun fabric headband cover and some pajama shorts out of old sheets. Both were absolute busts. BUT every sewing project in the early days is going to help you get used to your machine and teach you something.

After the base was done, I just started hot gluing sequined strips over every mistake. I had to add extra length to the straps and they looked a MESS, so I just covered them with sequins.

I also made some dramatic sleeves by modifying this leg warmer tutorial for my arms and excluding the cuffs. I horrendously sewed a big piece of silver metallic fabric to the sleeves and tried to cut equal sized strips to make it look like the sleeves had crazy long tassels. Then I glued more sequin strips over the ugly stitching.

When I showed up to the show in my gorgeous little finished outfit, my friend Trent was like, “this is awesome, but you didn’t just make this costume for this show did you?” Baby, I did. In fact I taught myself how to sew to specifically make this costume for this show. I spent so much time making this costume for this show that I didn’t actually have enough time to learn the whole routine so I kinda just freestyled. 

Frank Masi passed away in 2013 at the age of 88, so I’d like to dedicate the following performance (where I show off my amateur tap skills in my homemade leotard that has zero support for my beautiful D cups) to him. I think he would have pretended to like it. Rest easy atop your heavenly stairway, king.

mattisonmerritt

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What I’m thinking about rn:

• Drinking a Sprite at the bar, a Coca Cola if I’m feeling bad.

• I’m doing Hot Reads Saturday night at Logan Square Improv.

• The following weekend I have a full ass production planned for Hot Kitchen Collective’s 13 Love Songs Saturday the 22nd. I have about 10 hours of sewing left to do for the show and my fabric hasn’t arrived yet, hahahahahahaahahhaha.

• Sunday, March 22 at 8pm I’m opening for David Feinberg’s album taping at AliveOne (it’s freeeee!)

• Zach is teaching a writing workshop on Saturday at the Annoyance. What a steal, that guy is a genius.

• Monopoly is swapping out paper money with an app. Escape the hell by playing this classic banger instead.

• Charlie launched a blog! I’m a big fan of her illustrations so it’s v cool to see her process.

• New Case Oats and Annie DiRusso, obviously.

• I used to be an extra firm tofu girl, I’m kinda pivoting to soft.

• THESE BOOTS are so comfy.

• Only one more weekend of Grelley Duvall Show!!!! I might have to go again it was so good.

Next issue: It’s going to be a quick turnaround, but I’m obsessed with the set Kari, Elena, and I have been cooking up for 13 Love Songs. Soooo tell your friends who like horny aliens to subscribe before March 25.